Excellence Without Self-Punishment: Finding Balance Beyond Perfectionism

Striving for Excellence… or Trapped in Perfectionism?

This past week offered me a humbling reminder of something many of us struggle with — the delicate line between striving for excellence and falling head-first into perfectionism.

I felt it emerging very clearly as my group at University prepared for our exam presentation*. We had agreed to be ready by Sunday evening for a Thursday submission. And although everyone was giving their best, I noticed that familiar internal voice resurfacing – sharp, impatient, critical, convinced that there was only one “proper” way to proceed- and that we are NOT doing it.

My Stickler had returned.

At first, I told myself I was simply being constructive, keeping an eye on quality. But soon I recognised the tension, the frustration, the rigid expectations… and the internal pressure that has followed me for years, long before I trained as a coach.

This time, instead of letting the “Stickler” take over completely, I did something different:
I paused.
I observed.
I challenged the thought.
And I chose another way.

* You may know that I am studying part time for the Master of Science in Applied Positive Psychology and Coaching Psychology at the University of East London, distance learning; an amazing programme and you can find more information here.

The Stickler: When Excellence Turns Into a Trap

In the framework of the saboteurs presented by Shirzad Chamine in his book Positive Intelligence: Why Only 20% of Teams and Individuals Achieve Their True Potential and How You Can Achieve Yours (2012), the so-called Stickler “saboteur” captures:

• perfectionism pushed too far
• rigidity, tension, and chronic frustration
• excessively high and inflexible standards
• harsh self-criticism and equally harsh judgement of others
• fear of mistakes, disorder, or loss of control

It often sounds like this:

“If you can’t do it perfectly, don’t do it at all.”
“Others are too lax. I have to compensate.”
“There is a right way, and I know it.”
“Mistakes are unacceptable.”

What makes the Stickler so seductive is that it masquerades as virtue.
It whispers: “I am helping you do your best.”
But in reality, it creates:

• anxiety
• resentment
• rigidity
• exhaustion
• damaged relationships
• and a constant sense of “not enough”

For those of us who care deeply — professionally, academically, personally — this saboteur can feel almost second nature.

The Turning Point: Excellence, Yes – but Not at Any Cost

As I noticed my internal irritation rising with the group project, I realised something essential:

I was expecting others to reflect my own internal standards, not the actual, reasonable expectations of the assignment.

And underneath my frustration was something else:
a familiar sense of “never quite achieving enough” — one that used to follow me at work, at home, even in motherhood.

Perfectionism had once again tried to disguise itself as commitment.

But here is the truth I keep learning, again and again:

Excellence becomes meaningful only when it does not compromise our mental health, our relationships, or our values.

It is not about swinging from impossible standards to laziness or complacency.
It is about finding a middle ground:
disciplined but flexible, committed but human, intentional but kind.

Thought Work: How to Shift Out of Perfectionism

This is the process I used — and the one I teach my clients — drawing on the thought-work model of Brooke Castillo from The Life Coach School known as the Self-Coaching Model (CTFAR) and combining it with saboteur awareness from Chamine.

1. Take a step back.

Notice the emotion, the tension, the rigidity.

2. Observe the thought.

“What am I believing right now?”
Often, the thought is something like:
→ “We’re not doing this properly.”
→ “I need to fix this.”
→ “If it’s not perfect, it’s not acceptable.”

3. Decide intentionally.

Is this thought serving me?
Does it align with my values?
Will it create excellence — or conflict and anxiety?

4. Proceed with awareness.

Choose the next action from a calm, grounded place — not from fear or irritation.

5. Learn. Always learn.

Every episode is data.
Every emotion is a message.
Every trigger shows a saboteur that wants attention.

The Self-Coaching Model offers this simple framework:
Circumstances → Thoughts → Feelings → Actions → Results (CTFAR).

And Chamine’s saboteur work reminds us that many stress-generators are internal voices we can recognise and transform.

This is how we grow into the next version of ourselves — not by forcing perfection, but by cultivating emotional mastery.

What about You? Where in your life do you confuse excellence with perfectionism?

Where do high standards stop serving you — or start hurting relationships, sleep, joy, or peace?

And what could shift if you replaced:

• “I must get it right,”
  with
• “I choose to do this well — without harming myself or others”?

If you feel inspired by thie article, try observing your Stickler.
Gently. Curiously. Without judgement.
And experiment with one small act of flexibility.

Your mental health, your relationships, and your future self will thank you.

Sincerely Yours,
Dr Sophie

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Inspired by

Castillo, B. (n.d.). Self-Coaching Model (CTFAR Model) guide. The Life Coach School. Retrieved from https://www.thelifecoachschool.com/self-coaching-model-guide/ thelifecoachschool.com

Chamine, S. (2012). Positive Intelligence: Why only 20% of teams and individuals achieve their true potential and how you can achieve yours. Greenleaf Book Group Press.