Money, Love, and Power: How to Balance Financial Dynamics in Your Relationship

Introduction: The Financial Imbalance Issue

Money is one of the most emotionally charged topics in relationships. When one partner earns significantly more than the other, it can spark tension, discomfort, and insecurity. Many professional women today find themselves in a position where they out-earn their partners, leading to a shift in traditional gender roles. But is this financial imbalance the real issue, or is it how we think about money and power that needs to change?

Why It Matters

Financial imbalances can subtly shift how partners perceive each other and themselves within the relationship. When one person feels as though they contribute more financially, they might feel entitled to more decision-making power. Meanwhile, the lower-earning partner may feel insecure, inadequate, or even ashamed. These dynamics can create stress, conflict, and, over time, damage the relationship.

The tension around money is often exacerbated by societal expectations, where men are traditionally seen as the primary earners (Romanelli, 2019). When this dynamic is reversed, it can lead to confusion and strain on both partners.

Some have argued that financial imbalances are not inherently problematic, but rather how partners handle them that makes the difference (Goroghav, 2024). Power struggles and a sense of inequality can stem from unconscious beliefs about money’s role in determining worth and influence in a relationship. And actually these challenges can be overcome (at least in part) through open communication and intentional collaboration between partners.

Common Financial Pain Points in Relationships

There are several common challenges that couples face when dealing with financial imbalances (see e.g. Romanelli, 2019). Among them are:

1. Communication Breakdown: Many couples find it difficult to openly discuss money. The higher earner might feel defensive or guilty, while the lower earner may feel inadequate or resentful. This lack of communication can lead to assumptions and misunderstandings.
2. Power Struggles: When one partner earns more, they may unconsciously take control of financial decisions, leading to a power imbalance. The lower earner may feel they have less say in how money is spent, which can create long-term resentment.
3. Shame and Guilt: The lower earner might feel ashamed about their financial contribution, while the higher earner might feel guilty for wielding more power in financial matters. This cycle of shame and guilt can erode trust and intimacy.

Financial Power Dynamics and What We Typically Think and Do

Often, we may fall into traditional thought patterns: the higher earner feels a need to control financial decisions, while the lower earner might disengage, feeling as though their input is less valuable. For instance, many women who out-earn their partners struggle with the cultural narrative that men should be the breadwinners. This can cause women to downplay their success or feel uncomfortable about their financial role in the relationship.

In my personal experience, I found myself defaulting to the idea that my partner should take the lead in financial decisions because of his background in finance. Despite my own financial acumen, I deferred to him in matters of investments and long-term financial planning. This created tension, as I often felt disempowered, even though I contributed significantly to the relationship’s financial health.

Overall when not managed properly financial imbalances can lead to an unhealthy dynamic where the lower earner might start to feel resentment or inadequacy. This is often exacerbated when partners avoid the topic of money, out of fear of confrontation or judgment. However, avoiding these conversations can prevent couples from addressing the deeper emotional and psychological dynamics at play.

Insights from Psychology and Coaching: The Role of Communication

The solution to navigating these dynamics isn’t found in equal paychecks but in creating a relationship where financial contributions—whether monetary or otherwise—are valued equally. The key to solving this issue may lie in the fostering of open communication and emotional transparency. Both partners need to express their fears, assumptions, and expectations about money, without allowing those fears to shape decision-making unconsciously.

To move past these common pain points, both partners need to shift their focus from scarcity to abundance. The CTFAR model from coaching teaches that it’s not the circumstances (such as one person earning more) that cause tension, but rather the thoughts we have about those circumstances. By changing our thoughts about money and the roles we play in the relationship, we can change our feelings and behavior.

Practical Steps for Couples to Navigate Financial Imbalances

Overall the key to resolving financial imbalances isn’t to ignore them, but to embrace them as part of a healthy, evolving relationship. There are several practical steps to navigate financial power dynamics in a relationship:

1. Open and Honest Communication

As Romanelli (2019) points out, avoiding financial conversations only makes things worse. Schedule regular “money dates” where you and your partner discuss financial goals, review budgets, and talk openly about any concerns. This will help reduce misunderstandings and build trust. These conversations provide a safe space for both partners to express their thoughts and feelings about money (Gorokhav, 2024).

2. Create a Partnership Mindset

According to Fischman (2022), power struggles often arise when one partner sees themselves as more entitled to financial decision-making because they earn more. To overcome this, shift to a partnership mindset, where finances are seen as a  joint endeavour. Both partners should feel empowered to contribute to financial discussions, regardless of their income.

3. Recognize Non-Financial Contributions

Contributions to the relationship aren’t just financial. Recognising non-financial contributions—such as managing the household or emotional labour—helps both partners feel valued. This is especially important in relationships where one partner is a higher earner.

4. Financial Transparency

Sharing financial information with your partner helps build trust and ensure that each of you has a clear understanding of their financial landscape. Be honest about your income, debts, and financial goals. Transparency helps build trust and ensures that both partners are on the same page when making financial decisions. According to Ellevest (2024), this is a crucial step in building a solid financial foundation.

Conclusion: It’s Not About the Numbers

At the end of the day, it’s not about who earns more—it’s about how both partners can work together to achieve their shared financial goals. By shifting from a scarcity mindset to an abundance mindset, and by being open, honest, and transparent, couples can navigate financial imbalances with respect and harmony.

If you want to learn more about how to handle financial dynamics in your relationship, join us for our upcoming Flourish Financially event & Register Here. We’ll dive deep into how you can foster financial transparency and build a stronger, more balanced partnership.

Sincerely yours,

Dr. Sophie

+++++++++++

Inspired by:

Ellevest. (2024, February). Talking about money when dating: When you’re getting serious about each other. Retrieved from https://www.ellevest.com/magazine/dating-relationships/how-to-talk-about-money-when-dating

Fischman, S. (2022, July). Power dynamics in relationships: What to know. Psych Central. Retrieved from https://psychcentral.com/lib/power-dynamics-in-relationships-what-to-know

Gorokhav, L. (2024, April). Navigating financial imbalances in relationships. Quora Blog. Retrieved from https://www.quora.com/Navigating-financial-imbalances-in-relationships

Romanelli, A. (2019, August). Let’s talk money in intimate relationships. Psychology Today. Retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/what-we-can-learn-from/201908/lets-talk-money-in-intimate-relationships