Why It Is Important to Care and Not to Care

On fierce love and being serious

Over the past few days, this idea has been resonating deeply with me. It lies at the very heart of coaching — and of how I understand life itself.

So much of our work in coaching is about reclaiming agency: not going through life passively or reactively, but remembering that we always have the capacity to take ownership. Even in the smallest moments, we can choose to be more intentional, to feel a little more empowered, to become — as I like to say — the driver of our own bus.

In positive psychology, this is the essence of engagement — being fully present, emotionally invested, and connected with what we do and who we are. Engagement gives life meaning and energy. Yet, it’s fascinating to realise how, like many good things, it can also become a double-edged sword. Some have said that burnout is the illness of over-engagement: when our passion, enthusiasm, and willingness to give ourselves entirely begin to turn against us.

This, I believe, is what lies behind the idea of caring and not caring at the same time.

I was reminded of this balance earlier this week while listening to a webinar by Michael Bungay Stanier, the insightful author of The Coaching Habit — a book that is as powerful as it is humorous (Bungay Stanier, 2016). He spoke about how we can consciously choose the degree of involvement we bring into our relationships and into life itself. We can decide when and how to express what he calls fierce love — the blend of commitment and detachment that allows us to care deeply without losing ourselves.

This really touched something in me. It also echoes what one of my teachers and mentors, Brooke Castillo from The Life Coach School, often says about the delicate paradox of life, beautifully explored in her book It Was Always Going to Happen That Way (Castillo, 2023):

“It matters deeply… and it doesn’t matter at all.”

When we set our hearts on something — a goal, a dream, a change — it matters. We give it our energy, focus, and consistency. And yet, at the same time, it doesn’t matter, because the outcome is never truly the point. What matters is who we become in the process — how we learn to engage with life’s inevitable mix of joy and challenge, and how we keep showing up, with both humility and courage.

Coaching, in many ways, is about nurturing this awareness. It helps us notice when we are leaning too far to one side — caring too much, or perhaps not enough. It is not about fixing or striving for an ideal balance, but about observing, understanding, and even marvelling at the beautiful, messy, human experience that is our life.

If this reflection speaks to you — if you feel ready to make your life both meaningful and light-hearted again — I would be delighted to accompany you on that journey.
That’s what coaching is for, and it’s what I love most about this work.

Sincerely Yours,

Dr Sophie

+++++++

References

Bungay Stanier, M. (2016). The coaching habit: Say less, ask more & change the way you lead forever. Box of Crayons Press.

Castillo, B. (2011). It was always meant to happen that way. Futures Unlimited Coaching.